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Feb 05 2015

The Selfish Truth and a Great Thanks~

NOTE: This is not a heavily edited post. I’m NOT writing it in MS Word like I normally do but on the website. I only have about 1/64 the proofreading and editing tools. This is my selfish truth.

I’ve been thinking about how much I’ve been sharing publicly lately. I don’t think many people would have put out to the world like I did that eventually I will lose the ability to have erections and that I was happy about that. While It wasn’t directly said in the last post it was heavily implied, and now I’m saying it. I don’t think many people would be comfortable with saying something like that in a public place. To an extent, I’m not either.

But that comes down to the original purpose of this website. I never intended it to get as many shares on Facebook, as many tweets on twitter, as  much activity has it gotten on social media.

It was never my intent to be as public as this website has become. It’s never ceased to amaze me how popular this website has become. To drop some numbers… Over the last two weeks people have come to this website 538 times. That is not a count of people but an amount of visits. If you come to this website once a day you will account for 14. That’s still and impressive stat to me. By the way I’ve filtered out some key people who I know come a lot. So their numbers aren’t even included.

But to me here is the more a more impressive stat. The Bounce Rate over the last two weeks is 9.11% that’s the lowest it’s ever been. AH! I should probably define that. The Bounce Rate is the amount of people that come to the website and do not interact with it in some way. That means 90.89% of people that come to this website click a link, read an article, leave a comment or somehow interact with the website. That is astounding to me.

Why? Have people come and stayed. That’s because of what this website was intended to be. I never intended this website to be read by people I did not already know in real life. Because of that I wrote unfiltered, I wrote from the heart and I wrote everything I thought. I feel that empowered it to be attractive to the people I was never targeting in the first place…

I never intended to inform people about transgender issues. I never intended to tell people what went on in this particular transgender mind. I never intended to be a part of the transgender community. I never intended to engage on conversation as to the progress and future of society. Yet, I have found myself doing all those things. This website and its posts have brought some information to people that really were enlightened by it. I don’t mean to sound egotystical, much the opposite. All the reasons I created this website were 100% selfish… Yet this website has found itself blazing a more selfless future and purpose.

Why did UberPocky begin again? Because I write to heal. I use writing to process my emotions, my thoughts, my fears, my intentions, my loves, I use writing to figure out who, what, where, when and why, I am. I wanted a place where I could send all my friends and family to keep them up to date with what was going out without directly informing them and having to repeat myself all the time. I wanted a place to release myself from my past, I wanted a place to release myself from my depression. I saw this becoming a somewhat dark place of my heart. I write to heal and in the past when I’ve done that… It’s been quite dark writing. The original intent of this website was selfish in every way. I feel like if I had not been selfish… If i had intended to write for everyone it would not carry the same meaning, and therefore would not have the same draw.

However that is not what UberPocky became. It became a happy space. It became a space where I could write most anything and because of that I’ve written things that give deep inside into my issues and in some cases I asked myself “Does that make me look crazy?” I resolved to not care, for if I did, It wouldn’t be honest anymore. UberPocky became my support group. I could write any feeling I had and people would see some value in it. That value reflected back at me would be affirming to me. Instead of UberPocky becoming a black hole of emotion, darkness, and stories.. It has been a shining beacon in my life. You all, have created this not me. If this were just me here every day, it would be a dark place where I can hide my darkest fears. Instead my fears come out into the light and are validated because of you all. And at the same time at no point had someone said “oh you’re crazy” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about!”

It’s the same content, but it’s because of your comments and shares that it has been a bright place. It is because you all think my story has value that I will keep writing. It will heal me, in turn, faster than anything else. It has been greatly affirming to me to see the stats of people visiting the site. To see the comments left, to see the Facebook conversations the things written here have started… My life has meaning. Yet, it’s because of you all, not because of me. Although, I’m still the one in the spot light.

Today, you don’t get to thank me FOR ANYTHING… To an extent I don’t feel like I deserve thanks. I’ve written for purely selfish reasons and you all have given it selfless value. I want to thank you!

About the author

Josie

I’ve never been good at writing about myself. I’ve never been good at ‘talking up my strengths’ but at least I should try…

I am a 30 year old (gasp), woman. To me, it is just that simple. My life is slowly coming together into a form where I can be proud to call it my life.

Who am I? I’m a strong, loving woman that was assigned male at birth and is finally correcting that egregious error by biology. For most women if they have an urge like wearing a sundress, they just do it. For my first 29 years on this planet, that wasn’t a possibility.

I write to heal, then publish to inform. I hope my journey can make the journeys of people that come after me just a little less painful.

I also have a ‘day job’ as a Data Center Technician. I do an incredibly physical job lifting fixing and moving servers. I daily, walk into and then maintain ‘the cloud.’ Servers are still quite a bit larger and heavier than your desktop at home. So much so that I am the only woman on my team of 20 and one of 5 in the entire building of about 75. Technology is without a doubt a male dominated industry. Which makes me quite sad.

I wish I could better express who I am. I don’t feel like I’ve done justice to my history, my life, and my story, but for now, this will have to do. To me the most beautiful thing in the world is understanding and empathy. If we can have only one thing for each other person on this planet, I choose empathy.

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