Every time I start to feel better, I feel trapped again. Is this the story of Society’s Chains? Every step down this road needs to another step ahead. It will be nice when there are no steps to make no more decisions to make. Every day I feel better, yet every day I still have pain. Each door opening puts me in another locked room to which I have to find the key to get out. I am leaving a room called Hormone Replacement Therapy. I have accepted it is going to happen, I am happy. However, I opened that door and hoped for a moment’s respite. None was there.
I walked directly into another prison in my mind, although this one is a physical “prison” as well. I went to a musical last night called La Cage aux Folles. For those of you are not aware, this is the play, which spawned into a movie of the same name. That movie then came to America and was renamed The Birdcage. I wanted to dress up a little bit. Because I do not have any exterior female clothing that meant I had to try wearing a male dress shirt again. I have not worn one since summer 2014. I never did feel comfortable in them. However, now the feeling has now moved to a new level.
I felt strangled, and in handcuffs, all night. I did not even button the collar, but I felt strangled. I felt like the cuffs were handcuffs. I felt conspicuous. I felt like people were staring at me. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I felt imprisoned by the clothes I wore. I felt like a woman in man’s clothing. Which is more acceptable to society than a man in woman’s clothing is. However, I am starting to get over what society thinks… It made me consider escalating the wardrobe changes up in the list. As of this point, I can never wear a male dress shirt again. That means no suits. What am I going to do if I need to go to a formal / semi-formal occasion between now and next spring?
The Birdcage and La Cage aux Folles are both the same core story: A gay couple, one of whom is a transvestite (A man, who is happy with being a man, but is validated by dressing in woman’s clothing) owns a transvestite nightclub. They have a son who has intent to enter a heterosexual marriage. There is conflict when he reveals that the girl’s father is a conserve politician and they would have to hide their lifestyle so that the girl’s father would accept them. They attempt to do exactly that and their secret falls apart eventually. The girl’s father comes to learn they are still good parents despite their lifestyle. However, the birdcage and La Cage aux Folles are very different. The Birdcage concentrates on the definition of family and all the different types of family that exist. Yet each is valid and good. The Birdcage starts in this way:
I really miss Robin Williams. Sorry, just had to say that. La Cage aux Folles concentrates instead on the identity of each person in the story. Choosing instead to get inside their mind deeper and concentrating on showing that these people are valid instead of the validity of the family unit. Each Identity on La Cage aux Folles is its own and you can see conflict between them. La Cage aux Folles starts with this song…
It is a very different look on the same story. One talks about how these “non-standard” people come together to create just as much as a loving environment as those that fit the societal definition of “normal” people. The other looks inside the identity of each one and how these “non-standard” people to show they are people too, they have the same emotions, cares, loves, hates, and aggravations of people that society as a whole would view as “normal.” I had a lot of trouble not crying when this song occurred…
This song is sung by the main actress of La Cage aux Folles when he is told that he has to be absent. He will be missing meeting his son’s new family because of who he is. (Sidebar: MSWord kept insisting I change that to “actor” because I use “he” later in the sentence because of a grammar error defined as “Gender-Specific Language”)
I had always wanted the transition to feminine clothing to be the last thing… I never wanted to look like a man in woman’s clothing. The idea bothered me immensely. This song made me ask “Why?” The only answer I could come up with over the last 12 hours since I saw the play is “Because society has conditioned me to think so.” To think that my mind was still in the prison society created for it did make me cry. I spent about half an hour crying over that. Therefore, that leads me to believe the wardrobe transition is going to happen sooner that I originally planned. Male to Female transwomen start with the clothing transition or at least do it quicker than I did… Now I know why.
I may have a male body, but I am a woman on the inside. Do you think I should be one on the outside too? Why have I let society tell me that is unacceptable? I feel confined by my wardrobe. It is time to open up my closet and see what is in there… Piece by pecie an investigation will happen. But I know what’s going in the donation bin first… My suit and dress shirts.
I hope, after all this, I will be able to stand proud and say, “I am what I am!”