Head and Heart
Everything is happening so much quicker, yet so much slower than I expected. This has all been such an amazing process. I am here today to talk about a couple of things that have been happening and a couple specific circumstances that have caught me off guard. It has been another time of difficulties and joys, although mostly joys.
First, I wanted to talk about the Bruce Jenner interview last night. I have not cared for him (he does prefer male pronouns at least for now) or the news surrounding him for a very long time. To me he felt like someone who was just sensationalizing what he was to make news and get back in the headlines. I have not seen the whole interview, but some of the snippets that have come out I realized I could not have been more wrong. She – Sorry, he is just trying to answer the questions people need answered then move on. It made me think about the idea that sometimes people need answers. Sure all the questions sometimes annoy me. However, I am sure the questions I have to deal with are nothing compared to the amount of questions he has to deal with.
One question yesterday though, got under my skin. My normal PCP is out sick and there is another doctor standing in for her. I really hope she gets well soon. I miss her… This stand in doctor is, male, a little gruff, but not bad, or so I thought… We had a nice beginning he asked a little bit about me and why I was there then I had to explain the whole transgender thing. Honestly the reason I was there was to talk with my PCP about how it was all going. It was all going quite well then he asked, “Where are you planning on having the surgery done?” … My jaw dropped instantly. The next couple of paragraphs all happened in my mind within a couple of seconds. I will block quote them for clarity.
Let me run quickly though the things that went through my head at that point. ‘I don’t even know if I’m going to have the surgery…’ ‘Changing that isn’t required to make me a woman right?’ ‘How could you presume to know what I choose to do and not do?’ A couple moments is all it took for those three thoughts, one of which was very invalidating and made me close to crying to twist though my head. Anger, Fear, and Depression came flying back. My first course of action when that happened is to completely wipe out my emotions and make them vanish. However, that is what I did before my mind and emotions where a Ghost Town.
I cannot do that again. I cannot go back to how I worked emotions before, ignore them. Therefore, I spent yesterday working though those emotions, again. It is like playing hockey and being body checked against the boards. Sometimes, I feel like all the progress I have made vanishes away from me in an instant. As I sat there in the office, trembling slightly the conversation became very cold and very uncomfortable.
My response was “I haven’t decided my course of action with regards to that topic yet.” At that point, he clearly lost interest and asked a couple more formality questions, wrote some notes and gave a very curt goodbye. I was now alone in the sterile doctor’s office with my mind sterilized of hope. I went home to sit on the couch and think my way through what just happened. Is a doctor really telling me that he cannot see me as a woman until I get a surgery done? How many other people are out there like that? Am I really going to have to fool all these people?
Then my mind flipped over to today. I am going to the mall with my Aunt and Birth Mom. My aunt is one of the people (beside my husband) that seemed to know before I told them that I was transgender. She has supported me being unfiltered my entire life. My Birth Mom has missed so much of my life, and been so supportive, that I wanted to share this with her. There is also another reason. I like both their styles and the way they carry themselves… There is a plan on paper and a plan in my heart. I am going with the two of them just in case I have the courage to let my heart run the day. Because this is something, I want to share with them and nobody else. There is going to be a struggle inside myself as to which plan to go with. As of yesterday it was the plan on paper, I just was not feeling courageous enough. Today? I do not know. There is a struggle going on between my head and heart.
The plan on paper is to just meet up (they have not met yet) and hang out… but in my heart, I want to start looking at clothes (in the woman’s section), for the very first time. At least, that is what I would like to do. I want to have a chat with my husband about his expectations with my wardrobe change before that happens. However, I cannot help but be worried… With girls clothes as tight as they are… how am I going to hide it? With my body just starting to change, would anything I bought last more than a couple of months? My wardrobe is the last big external physical change to tackle. For me, it cannot happen soon enough. However, I do not know how others are going to react. I do not know how long clothes are going to last… Hell, I do not even know how big I am going to be in various places…
You know what? Fuck it. I am going to the mall to have fun… Nothing really matters anymore. It is time to take a shower, and then go enjoy a no stress, fun, day at the mall!