Apr 26 2015

Accessorizing with Anxiety

This post is an update after Head and Heart. It probably will not make much sense if you have not read that first. Yesterday was one of the best in retrospect. At the time, it was filled with Anxiety and Accessories. After sitting at home playing Dungeons and Dragons with friends, painting my nails hugging my Rainbow Dash Plushy, (it is 20% cooler) and seeing my husband off to a night of work with a kiss, all felt right. All is right with the world. I did not do a great job at doing my nails. In fact, they look bad in places, but you have caught me at my most beautiful. I do not have to be perfect to be beautiful. I just need to have happiness and inner strength. I think R.E.M. said it best.

Today had many, many, goals for the day. Maybe I had too many. Some I stated to those around me… Some I intentionally kept to myself. It was a stressful day, but it was amazingly powerful to me. The relaxation that stressed caused was joyful. Having people who have not met before, meet, and have a good time together was joyful. The goals were mostly selfish and personal though.

First, here are the things that were not really goals. My birth mom provided these items to me.

Two weeks ago, I made a container I had nothing to put in it at this point. Well, all I really did was paint it. It was my first art project in at least 15 years. I think it came out well! Now, I had to find a way to use it. I wanted it to sit somewhere prominent in my life. I have always had a desire for art in my heart. However, I always stayed away from it. I did not really want to do things I was not good at, and I did not see myself as good at art. The place we went to is Color Me Mine. They make the pottery and then let you paint it. Then they fire it in the kiln and you can go get it the next week. I was quite happy with the result

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She made a blanket for my husband much like mine in style. He is a music person so his is music themed. Mine is about me putting my own life together. So now, we have his and her blankets. Thanks mom!

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Now for the actual goals:

I wanted my birth mom and adoptive aunt to meet, have a good time, and become friends: DONE

I wanted to buy some decorative hair clips and bobby pins. I’ve been using black generic barrettes, it’s been getting kinda boring. They ended up being a perfect fit the container I made!

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I wanted to buy some nail polish colors and do my own nails that night: Done, although I did not do a great job on the nails. Clearly, I need to practice. I am probably going to take the polish back off before I go to work and try again tonight. I have a few colors from which to pick.

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In terms of unplanned purchases, I got a Rainbow Dash plushy and a new wallet with the two of the main characters of probably my favorite anime.

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Shopping is so much fun! You never know the things you are going to stumble across that you find you need to have. I was always a buyer before. I knew exactly what I was there for, bought it and left. I felt uncomfortable shopping. Now, I love it. I may end up doing it to much…

I have plenty of new accessories (for now.) What about the anxiety? I was anxious the entire shopping trip, because the stated goal of the trip was to go shopping for clothes. I was looking at picking up my first female external clothes. Going into stores that I have always avoided because they were not ‘for me’ was odd to think about. Let alone the one time we actually went in. I felt so conspicuous. I wanted to scream, but not for the reasons I expected. Clearly shopping for clothes was not going to work yet, and not at a large mall. I will resume this particular transition later. I will probably look for smaller stores where I can explain my situation ahead of time for stores that particularly cater to people in my situation. However, this is not failure. I have direction. I have realized something very important. In addition, most importantly, nobody actually looked at me odd. I think I was the only person who thought I was out of place. I was probably the only person who felt anxious about me being there. It was a good day. The story so far is roughly the same story my birth mom or my aunt would tell, but it is only half the story.

The other half the story… Will be in the future post. I was writing it here but I realized it was getting way to long, way too deep and excessively emotional for this post. I guess the point of this post is that while the shopping trip was super fun, and I spent an excessive amount of money on myself, it was full of anxiety and realization… Thank you both for going with me to realize just a little bit more about myself. I found something that I would not have thought of in a million years…

About the author


I’ve never been good at writing about myself. I’ve never been good at ‘talking up my strengths’ but at least I should try…

I am a 30 year old (gasp), woman. To me, it is just that simple. My life is slowly coming together into a form where I can be proud to call it my life.

Who am I? I’m a strong, loving woman that was assigned male at birth and is finally correcting that egregious error by biology. For most women if they have an urge like wearing a sundress, they just do it. For my first 29 years on this planet, that wasn’t a possibility.

I write to heal, then publish to inform. I hope my journey can make the journeys of people that come after me just a little less painful.

I also have a ‘day job’ as a Data Center Technician. I do an incredibly physical job lifting fixing and moving servers. I daily, walk into and then maintain ‘the cloud.’ Servers are still quite a bit larger and heavier than your desktop at home. So much so that I am the only woman on my team of 20 and one of 5 in the entire building of about 75. Technology is without a doubt a male dominated industry. Which makes me quite sad.

I wish I could better express who I am. I don’t feel like I’ve done justice to my history, my life, and my story, but for now, this will have to do. To me the most beautiful thing in the world is understanding and empathy. If we can have only one thing for each other person on this planet, I choose empathy.

1 comment

  1. Stacia

    Sounds like you are easing in nicely! Glad to hear that. I’m sorry that it was uncomfortable at moments.

    Regarding nails: It never looks good when I do my own nails. Never! So I just go with plain fingernails until an occasional splurge at a nail place. Then it only lasts max 3 days before chipping. Painted nails are expensive!

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