May 01 2015

Corrections Required — To Be Clear

I write this post in the interest in being 100% crystal clear. I write this post because of a particular couple of people. Write this post because I have beaten around the bush. I write this post because I said things in ways I did not mean. A couple of my comments and posts gave, to some, an impression that I did not like men. I feel like nothing could be further from the truth. Moreover, it is my fault, because they were unclear.

One of my best friends has mentioned this to me on multiple occasions. To him it sounds like I am bashing on males in general. The problem, which I think is what he was really trying to expose in my mind, is not that I do not like men. The problem is that I do not like me as a man. I could not say those things in a way that were not generalizations. Therefore, I wrote in specifically an unclear way to talk about ‘men’ when I was really talking about ‘a man.’

I still cannot write that without tearing up. I feel like there were many years that were a waste of my fucking time. I want my childhood back. I want my teenage years back. I want my 20s back. I want to relive them as the correct gender. If I could turn back the clock and come out as a child, like many others these days, I think I would have saved many people around me, and myself, a lot of pain. Some of the things I have said, in retrospect, do sound sexist. However, that was never my intent.

To me, male and female is a pair. They go hand in hand. Even in gay and lesbian couples, you find people who are more masculine, and people who are more feminine. They can be the same gender, but they are different people. What I do not understand is the concept that genders are completely the same. That they are not, that does not mean one is inherently better than the other is. For me it has become which one I should have been all these years, that does not mean I think less of men, only that I think less of one specific man.

Then why would I write things in the way I did? I could not admit it that is all. I still to this day am having trouble rationalizing the idea of being assigned male at birth and becoming a woman. For many years society told me that boys grow up to be men. I had to convince myself that my life has taken a different track. For me, my path was that of baby, boy, teenager, then woman. My path is abnormal to the rest of society. I was not a girl when I was younger, that was not my place in society. Nobody thought I was one; to say otherwise would be lying. However, I would have been happier as a girl… I have no doubt in that.

When I became a teen, I began to question myself more. I became more and more disturbed. One of my first AOL Screen names that I made without the watchful eye of parents was DisturbedTopaz. (Topaz is my birthstone) That was early in high school; I had already subconsciously started processing the fact that I was disturbed by some fact about my birth. In retrospect, it could not be clearer. I had no consciousness that I could be born in a body that doesn’t fit my mind and soul. I had no idea about gender dysproia or concepts like that. All I knew is that I had a problem with the way I was born, and I couldn’t figure out what the hell it was.

I talk about some very odd concepts on this blog. I talk about things that register with people as abnormal. Moreover, from time to time I will give reasoning for being transgender as something like ‘I want to be a housewife.’ To be 100% clear I am not saying men cannot be househusbands or are any less capable of taking care of a house or children… but I want to be a housewife not a househusband. Men are not inferior they are equal, but different. How is that possible?

Biochemistry says they are different. Society says they are different. My perspective is that they are different but I also believe in the first principle of a religion I have come to believe strongly in. “The inherent worth and dignity of every person” Every person in this world is a value it does not matter their gender. Everyone has different skills; all of them are valuable. Every person has an inherent dignity. In my mind there is very little that makes someone inferior. Yet, he is inferior. I have been born into a male body, but have a female mind, heart, and soul. How is this possible?

The research on transgender people is slim but they are starting to find some very interesting things. Affirmed women like myself will have brain scans more similar to cis-gender women when shown the same stimuli. Affirmed men have similar brain scans to cis-gender men when shown the same stimuli. How does it happen that the body and the mind develop different genders? That is still up in the air. I wish I had more science as to why I am the way I am.

Some of the questions I have struggled with my whole life is ‘why did you ____?’ or ‘why are you _____?’ I could not understand some of the simplest things about my life and actions. This is where I have now written myself into a trap. For, you see, anything I say to follow up that sentence will make it sound like men, or women, are inferior. There is no way to complete this thought without being, to some extent, sexist.

Follow me here. Do not stop reading at this point. Okay, here we go. What I was going to say was ‘why did you never show desire to play football?’ There is the sexist comment for today. It implies that girls do not or cannot play football. Fuck that! Girls can, and do play football. Girls are very capable of football; some even want to play. Some girls will kick the ass out of all the boys at football. I am not saying girls cannot play football. I am saying most, including me, choose not to. In addition, some boys never want to play football. It happens, if a girl expresses and interest in football or if a boy does not it is not a sign that they are broken or wrong in any way, or even transgender… It is that decision and the millions of others during the course of my life make me conclude I have the mind, and heart of a girl inside. It is not just one thing leading me to conclude this it is many, many, things. Yet any time I provide examples, I am sexist.

This is a complex difficult to talk about topic. No matter how I work phrase things, I will say things that interpreted in a certain way make me sound sexist…. Particularly for those that see the genders as perfectly equal in every way, or those that never questioned their gender…. This is unfortunately unavoidable.

It was all made worse by the fact that I could not admit to myself that I feel that I have wasted a good chunk of my life… I hate the, body, actions, and the words said by, the man I used to be.

I had written all of the above on Wednesday Morning before work and scheduled it to auto-publish on Friday at 6AM. It is now the wee hours of Thursday Morning and I have been asking myself all day at work, have I said everything I need to say in this post. I knew I did not post it immediately for some reason… The answer ended up being a resounding “no.” At the time, I had not figured out why I chose that song. Now, in retrospect after having completely written what ended up being the ‘beginning’ of the article, it makes sense.

The band, Linkin Park, and specifically this song, Somewhere I Belong, spoke to me in such a way that these songs stuck with me for a very long time during puberty. From here on out if, you happen to be a fan on Linkin Park, or even if you are not, these are some of their more popular songs… You will know them, before I link them. They are so apt to my position right now I can use direct quotes to say exactly what I mean. These songs have all of a sudden creeped back into my life from the depths of my darkness.

When I was a teenager, these songs told a story of a boy that would grow up to be a man and could not be comfortable until he grew up, moved out, and started a career. I did not belong living under my Mom’s roof for the rest of my life. I did not belong alone. However now they all tell a different story. I do not belong in the place I was in society, in my own heart and mind. I did not belong in my own body. I got a job. I moved out. I found a husband… I did not belong, it seemed, anywhere. You see, I finally will heal. I finally heal. I will let go of the pain I have felt so long. It was not at all, what I imagined five years ago. I, honestly, imagined myself as a feminine gay man. Nevertheless, I was confused, and there was nothingness inside of me even in that form. I had nothing to lose. After thinking about it for a very long time, I came out. Coming out, as transgender was, without a doubt, one of the best things I have done in my life. However, I am amazed I did not fall on my face. Now, I am so close to something real.

Much of what I am doing is reopening old wounds. I feel like to an extent fighting the same battles as I did in “male puberty.” I broke many habits as a man. Now, I am breaking many habits my male self could not break. I am picking myself apart. In doing that I have to realize what was bad about who I was, and later, I have to figure out what was good. Each day that goes on, I gain more clarity into myself, to show you what I mean. At first, I did not know what I fought for; I did not know why I was always screaming on the inside. Now, I am breaking different habits. I used to say things I did not mean, and to an extent I still do, and therefore sound sexist. However, each day, I get a little better to breaking this habit. I still hide my emotions, but again, I am getting better. I am starting to break that habit too! I do not know how I got this way, but I know it is not all right.

Yet I realized, today, something deeper… There is something inside me, which pulls from beneath the surface. Confusing what is real. Being transgender is fundamentally sexist. I am rejecting the idea that being a man is right for me. I am saying that being a woman is better for me. Somehow being a man is not ‘good enough.’ These words, they may never heal. Now I am fearful that I have become something I never wanted. I have never thought of myself as sexist, but now this has confused what is real. It is beginning to consume me. I have felt this way before, my insecurity returns. I know I have made the right choice. Now this idea is consuming and confusing. I have never bounced back from the shopping trip. I cannot seem to find myself again. Have I applied my hatred for myself as a man to all men? I fear that I now have a lower opinion of men. I do not think I do… but this fear, and sadness, is how he fell, Will I too? Is this too much pressure to take?

It is now 5AM Thursday. I am rescheduling this article to publish at 6AM Friday. 24 hours to keep thinking about this and make changes if needed… Otherwise, all I have to say in regards to these issues, has now been said.

It’s about midnight now Thursday night into Friday morning. I just wanted to put one final note onto this post before it pops up at 6AM. There are clearly more problems to be figured out than just the Gender Issues… I originally thought ‘fixing’ my gender would fix everything. That is very much not the case. However the hormones have made it easier for me to deal with these issues. The hormones have made it easier for me to confront these issues. The hormones have made it easier for me to process these issues, instead of just running from them.

Joe could only run from the problems and hide. He ran far enough to survive.

Jo will confront each problem, one, by one, and find resolution. She will solve the problems and build a life.

About the author


I’ve never been good at writing about myself. I’ve never been good at ‘talking up my strengths’ but at least I should try…

I am a 30 year old (gasp), woman. To me, it is just that simple. My life is slowly coming together into a form where I can be proud to call it my life.

Who am I? I’m a strong, loving woman that was assigned male at birth and is finally correcting that egregious error by biology. For most women if they have an urge like wearing a sundress, they just do it. For my first 29 years on this planet, that wasn’t a possibility.

I write to heal, then publish to inform. I hope my journey can make the journeys of people that come after me just a little less painful.

I also have a ‘day job’ as a Data Center Technician. I do an incredibly physical job lifting fixing and moving servers. I daily, walk into and then maintain ‘the cloud.’ Servers are still quite a bit larger and heavier than your desktop at home. So much so that I am the only woman on my team of 20 and one of 5 in the entire building of about 75. Technology is without a doubt a male dominated industry. Which makes me quite sad.

I wish I could better express who I am. I don’t feel like I’ve done justice to my history, my life, and my story, but for now, this will have to do. To me the most beautiful thing in the world is understanding and empathy. If we can have only one thing for each other person on this planet, I choose empathy.

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