Dec 27 2015

Do I divide and fall apart? because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark

It’s sunday. tomorrow my php (partial hospitalization program) resumes. it’ll be my third day there. I wasn’t feeling /too/ anxious about it, in fact if i remember correctly i was looking forward to it a bit. But not /nearly/ as much as I was looking forward to today.

today was my first time spending time just my dad and me in eight years. we’re strangers, getting to know one another again. he knows and accepts my transition, which of course, make things easier, considering we couldn’t be doing this otherwise. he planned lunch and to take me ice skating – something i’ve longed to do with him my whole life. i was never close with him, even when he was in the picture. when my parents were still married, the boys were “his” and me being “the girl”, i spent all my time with my mother. not ice skating. not playing hockey. it’s not entirely their fault – some of it is theirs, some of it society’s, some of it is other things probably. i took ballet… which i would love to return to now, i realized passing a dance studio the other day, but at that time it forced me into a role i didn’t elect or want to be in – it reinforced i was a girl in society’s eyes, it’s why i didn’t get to carry out my true childhood passion and follow the footsteps of my dad and brothers in hockey so i /hated/ it.

my dad took me on my first skate on the ice when i was about six. there was another time around then. that was it. two times on the ice. a place where i belonged and never got the opportunity to return to. so this was incredibly important to me – that we were going ice skating together. he even bought me skates that i am so in love with.

(Josie took me for my first time on the ice in sixteen years last weekend which was also so lovely.)

luckily, in contrast to my chaos, my dad is (now) very laid back, and we had a good balance throughout the day. we caught up a lot, and being on the ice again felt incredible. and i was finally, /finally/, skating with my dad as his son. an experience i knew my whole life i was missing.
it was beautiful. to be in that good state of mind again. i was free.


of course, it didn’t last. it never does. i came home, my dad came in to say hi to my brother and sister-in-law, and as soon as he bid farewell i started bouncing about the house putting away a few groceries he got me, putting my skates safely in the closet (no guards on the blades), and unpacking my backpack in order to not misplace anything. i was euphoric.

and then i was triggered by “real life” and the consequences i am going to soon face with not having rent money when my sister-in-law reinforced, something that was already discussed between my brother and i, that i would owe double rent in a month. thirty days from now. that i get a month’s grace period to pay, “like any other tenant”. that sounds fair. it is fair. but i felt attacked, and launched into a panic attack, and (almost) relived the night i relapsed the worst ever on self-harm. tried (and failed) at an attempt to put together my blade i rebought the other night (was too lazy to find a screwdriver, didn’t really want to hurt myself just wanted to stop /hurting/, as self-harm goes).
so instead i left the house, called my mom, and walked around aimlessly to vent. we talked through my panic attack. and i had called her just as a request from her earlier, not even knowing i was headed for a panic attack. (fleeing the house put the “knowing feeling” on hold.)

i returned home after an hour, we talked for an hour more, ending on a positive note, but throughout we talked about me going inpatient again, which is currently in consideration. i am going to pack my bag and plan for it when i go to php tomorrow. could be a good day instead, could wake up feeling much better, groups could go wonderful. i’m taking it as it comes now being somewhat in a better state. still so angry, and can’t shake the immature feeling of hating what was said to me, even with it being relevant and important, can’t get rid of the idea that i’m not ready for any of this. i feel like only a child, after all. but i am not to the rest of the world and they expect certain things from me. but i’m also a girl to the rest of the world so do they really know shit anyway.

if i were “normal”, getting a job would be the most important thing right now. but not only am i self-sabotaging but there’s a “positive” spin to why i’m not focused on that – i’m focused on getting help for whatever my mental issue is/are. job is a sidenote, the subplot. it needs to not be. but i also need to be able to function in an everyday setting and want to exist to even care about finding a job, or care about my brother and sister-in law as they deserve, or care about anything at all that isn’t selfish. and i’m struggling finding the balance. and compromising between what i want/need and my brother and sister-in-law’s wants/needs. i realize they can’t carry me through but i need their help. a lot of it. which i’m not sure they can provide and that’s not in any way their fault or problem. but i keep going round and round with them so that at least needs to stop….somehow.

this is almost exactly what happened the first time i went inpatient which was two weeks ago from this coming tuesday. (i am not rereading my intro post so a lot of this could be repetitive from that.) i had the most incredible day on a sunday (i believe it was) when i took myself out to a see a movie (spectre) and dinner at one of my favorite places (panera). i felt like my “good” self that i never feel vs. the bad self i usually am -the self that is overtaken by the depression and anxiety. and then i got home, and was questioned about job leads, and regardless of my request to not talk about it right then, to not ruin the day (because leads were not going well of course, how could they be with how i am and act), it happened anyway and then i had the worst self-harm relpase i’ve ever had.

the next night it almost happened again but josie talked me through it. talked me through hurting myself, running away, all kinds of things. and my brother returned to talk to me, because our talk that night had ended negatively, which also helped. on that specific tuesday, i had a psych appointment, an important one, as i mentioned in my previous post, and it led to me being admitted to an involuntary inpatient program.
so…..tomorrow is: what are my options? i will be going to php with a bag prepared to be admitted but if i can get through it without needing to be, i will. i have lots of plans but which one is best is the question. i need professional help in order to answer that, even if the answer will have to come from me.


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